I Hope This Gets To You
by jstar1382
Summary: One-shot Fix-it Story for the end of "The Limey"- What if Beckett spoke up?


_A/N- This is what happens when you do a series re-watch. Season 4 in all its angsty glory. I was inspired to write this just to explore what could have happened if Beckett spoke up. If they actually talked, which we know doesn't ever happen in season four, so just humor me. Thanks to all my cheerleaders and advice givers. You guys are the best. Thanks to Joanna for being a wonderful beta._

_Disclaimer- Castle is awesome and I do not own any of it. The first part of the dialogue if from the episode "The Limey" which I obviously didn't write and do not own either :)_

**_I Hope This Gets to You_**

* * *

_Fix-it Fic for the end of The Limey- What if Beckett spoke up?_

* * *

She looked over at him after Colin walked toward the elevator. He was leaning up against the wall, smiling while talking on the phone. Her best friend. Her partner. Or at least he was until—well until he wasn't. Lately, he seemed troubled, upset, and almost an empty shell of himself. When she tried to meet his eyes—she wasn't greeted with the warm, caring gazes. Instead his glare was cold; his eyes almost looked right past her, leaving her feeling hollow. Something changed and she wanted to know what, needed to know. Lanie was right; she needed to talk with him. Castle deserved to know everything.

She took a deep breath and decided that there was no time like the present. The cold shoulder that he was giving her, it needed to end—she deserved an explanation and he deserved her honesty.

"Where's Scotland Yard off to?" He seemed curious, but at the same token. It was just random small talk.

"Well he's going back to London. Um…Castle, do you have a second? Can we talk?"

"Actually I don't—Jacinda has the Ferrari double-parked in a loading zone." She could tell he was making excuses. He was trying to avoid her.

"Wow . Four dates in three days. You like her?" Jacinda was someone who the old Castle from four years ago would have dated. Not her partner. Not her Castle.

"Yeah. Why?"

"She just—she doesn't seem like your type." Her confidence was draining quickly from her body. Moments ago, she was so sure that she could do it. That she could stand up for herself, stand up for them, but now he was pretty much blowing her off.

"Well, she's fun and uncomplicated. I think that's what my life needs right now." Those words. It was a verbal punch to the gut. Her head dropped in defeat. The mental sparing match that she didn't intend on playing; she lost. Uncomplicated—not like her. She was too complicated for him. The hurt turned to anger within seconds and she forced her chin up—calling out to him.

"You mean not like me. She's not complicated like me…" Her words hung in the air as Castle stopped in his tracks before he walked onto the elevator. If he was going to make the statement, she was going to make him take complete ownership—enough with the subtext. His eyes were on her as soon as he turned around. The guilt from his statement; painted across his features.

Beckett walked over to where he stood and pulled him into the hallway next to the elevator. "Beckett, I don't—I didn't…"

"You meant me. It was a jab at me—look me in the eyes and deny it, Castle." She wasn't sure where this fire inside her came from, but she wasn't going down without a fight. His eyes grew wide, knowing he was completely cornered. The cocky confidence started to falter; his false persona started to slip.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I really don't have time. I'm sorry it came out that way."

"It came out exactly how you wanted it to, but what I want to know is why? What did I do? Why did you change?" Her voice came out softer than she meant it to, cracking with emotion. All the anger switched back to hurt when she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with him.

"I really can't do this now." She looked up at him with glassy eyes from tears that threatened to fall. He looked at her panicked before turning away. "I'm sorry but I really need to go."

"Castle, please talk to me…" Her voice thick with emotion from the sob caught in her throat.

"I'll see you around, Beckett." Avoiding her eyes, he forced a tight smile on his lips and walked away from her.

* * *

She poured more wine into her glass and then took a sizable sip. The night was a failure and getting drunk seemed like a perfect way to completely wipe her mind of any memory of her conversation with Castle. The problem was, she had too high of a tolerance. Even with all that she drank, she still was sober enough to feel. Sober enough to remember. How did it go so wrong? Everything that was said, replayed in her mind, but his words stung the most. '_She's uncomplicated'._ That was a verbal slap in the face but the sting from the words burned through every inch of her skin. Why did he change? He always had her back, but now he couldn't stand to be near her. More wine—she definitely needed more wine because she still hurt. She still felt something.

After pouring the remainder of the bottle into her glass, she stumbled toward her couch before she heard a knock at her door. Ignoring the sound, she sunk into the cushion. There wasn't anyone that she was expecting and frankly she didn't want to see anybody at the moment. Taking another sip of the chilled liquid, she found herself getting irritated when the noise outside her door didn't cease. Kate took a deep breath and downed the rest of her drink.

"Go away…" She shouted at the sound.

"Beckett, it's me." Her heart started to race when she heard Castle's voice. What the hell was he doing here? Shouldn't he be with his blonde bimbo flight attendant? Staggering to the door, she cracked it open enough to see him.

"Castle, I said go away. Go be with _JACINDA_…" Jealously colored her voice more then she intended, but the liquid courage that flowed through her veins hindered any verbal filter that she would normally have. He reached his hand through the gap that she had left and he pushed it open enough so that he could enter her apartment. Closing the door behind him, she glared at his unwelcome access into her home.

"I'm here to talk. So don't be petty…" His words had more bite to them than she was used to, but then again this was the Castle she found herself face to face with for the last week or so.

"Petty. Nice. You show up to my house and then choose to start a conversation by insulting me." Any buzz she gained from the alcohol basically disappeared when he spoke. The dulling of her pain that the intoxicating fluid provided to her wasted away and was replaced by red-hot anger. "But hell, you want to talk. Have at it, Castle." She scoffed at him as she took her empty wineglass to the kitchen sink.

"You were right. I did mean you or—I meant she wasn't like you. If you want me to be honest—"

"Well thanks for coming all the way over here to let me know that you were in fact insulting me. I appreciate your honesty in hindsight." Her voice was laced with sarcasm and irritation. She couldn't even pretend anymore. Couldn't pretend how angry he made her.

"But that's not all I came here to say. What I said wasn't fair—I said it because I know you lied and it hurts. So I was lashing out but that wasn't right. It's not who I am." His voice was even and sincere, but mingled with pain. It took her a moment to fully register what he said to her.

"Wait. Lied? When the hell did I lie to you?"

"You lied to me every day for almost a year. Every day you didn't admit that you remembered what happened the day you were shot." Shit.

"How did—do you…" Her voice lost all power and she stared at him in disbelief. "How?"

"The interrogation room…"

"The bombing case. You heard me." She stated. No longer a question, but a realization of the facts. "You left coffee on my desk, but you were gone. You heard me." She repeated as all the pieces started to fall into place. His actions started to all make sense. The change she saw in him. A change caused from the hurt of her lie. A lie to protect their best chance at a relationship…her way of putting a pin in it while she tried to heal herself and make herself better for him.

"Yes. I heard every damn word. I heard you confess your sin—your lie to a criminal. A lie you couldn't tell me. The truth you couldn't confess to me, Kate. I'm supposed to be your partner. I was supposed to be your friend. Why couldn't you just tell me?" He paused for a moment, the betrayal caught in his throat. "I asked you so many times. You had so many chances to make it right…" His words struck a chord within her because he was right. She should have told him awhile ago, but she couldn't admit it.

"Castle, I—"

"Beckett, I want the truth. You wanted to talk earlier, so we're going to talk." Her mind was reeling. The alcohol was clouding her thoughts and made things fuzzy, but she knew this was her chance. If she didn't explain things now, in this moment, the opportunity may never present itself again. His voice was bitter and on edge. She sighed, closed her eyes for a second to find her center, and then walked over to where he was standing.

"Come sit down." He glared at her for a moment, yet she could see his resolve wavering. They sat at opposite ends of her couch; all the confidence that she had earlier when she needed to talk to him was completely gone. Kate stared down at her hands before slowing inhaling; trying to breathe conviction back into her thoughts and voice. "Where do you want me to begin…"

"How about you start by telling me why you lied to my face almost daily for the last year?" Picking at the fabric on the cushion, she raised her head to meet the pain in his eyes.

"Castle, I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted to protect you. Protect you from me—"

"Beckett, I don't need you to protect me from—" She raised her finger slightly, trying to silence him so she could continue.

"Please, just let me get this out." Averting her eyes away from him again, she focused her attention on the ring hanging from the chain around her neck. The symbol of her mother, but more recently, a symbol of her fight for the truth. Drawing strength from the item, she looked back toward her partner on the other side of the sofa. "After I was shot, I was a mess. I didn't want to see anyone. I was stubborn and wanted to hide out. I didn't want anyone to take care of me or to see how broken I was…"

"But I would've been there for you. I could've helped—"

"I know you could have and I know you wanted to, but I was embarrassed. I was weak and I didn't want people to see me like that. Remember me like—it was cowardly, but I didn't see another way at the time."

"Okay, that's why you were by yourself and you didn't call. Hell, I could even understand that was why you initially lied to me when you were in the hospital. But why, after you started back—after I came back to the precinct with you—why didn't you admit the truth?"

"Because I wasn't ready yet—"

"Weren't ready or didn't feel the same?"

"Seriously? You don't think I feel the same?" Frustration boiled to the surface and she flew off of her seat; straight to her bedroom. Rummaging through the drawer in her bedside table, she found the stack of envelopes and headed back to the living room. "You think I don't feel the same—you think I was trying to avoid letting you off the hook? Here!" She shoved the stack of letters into his hand.

"What is this?" Castle stared at the banded papers.

"I tried so many times to get the nerve to tell you how I felt—but it never felt like the right time—and I chickened out. So my therapist suggested that I write you a letter and as you can tell, I wrote you several. Each one, I honestly meant to give you at one point, but then they just ended up in my drawer. Part of me hoped that I could just tell you how I felt and I didn't need to hide behind a letter…" Tears started to rolls gently down her cheeks at the realization of how much she messed this up.

"You wrote me letters..." Any trace of anger was completely removed from his voice. In place, his words filled with disbelief and awe.

"So many times, I wanted to tell you how I felt, Castle. But I was scared. I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to be more for you, for us. So I stayed in therapy and tried to wait for the perfect time—but then the bombing case made me realize that there is never a perfect time…" She was rambling and she couldn't stop. Castle was sitting there with her and she was going to get this all out. He needed to know it all, even if she already lost him. Even if it was already too late. He needed to know how she felt.

"Can I read them?" He asked her tentatively, like he didn't already own the words that were hidden within the papers. His fingers traced the envelopes in reverence to the words that were kept inside. The words were his; she was his. If he still wanted her…

"You can later. They're your letters, but you are here and I'm here—and I may not get another chance." She sighed for a second, wiping the offending tears from her cheeks. "Listen, I know it's too late and I know you've already moved on, but I want you to know-"

"Kate, I haven't—"

"I love you. And if this is the only time I get to say it—you deserve to know." Before she could fully grasp what was happening, Castle closed the gap between them and softly kissed her lips. With a gentle swipe of his thumb, he brushed away any remaining tears; before he leaned back in and kissed her again.

"You love me?" The words were whispered against her skin, both a question and a fact.

"I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry." Water clouded her vision again, as the sob she was holding back finally broke free. "I ruined this…" He pulled back for a moment, gazing into her eyes.

"Kate, nothing is ruined. Was I hurt? Yes—hell I'm still hurt and we still have a lot to talk about, but nothing is ruined. I was trying to protect myself—pretended I could move on and be happy without you, but I was fooling myself. I couldn't get you out of my head; out of my heart if I tried." She sat back for a second, and the room started to spin a bit.

"You mean—"

"I love you, Kate. I never stopped." She smiled up at his confession and she pushed another more passionate kiss onto his lips.

The weight and fear of the last couple days finally lifted. Her body suddenly felt fatigued from the emotion of the night and a yawn escaped without her permission. She blushed up at him in embarrassment. They were confessing their love for one another and here she was yawning. He chuckled for a second and pulled her close into his arms; placing a kiss into her hairline.

"Sorry. I'm sure the wine I had tonight didn't help my exhaustion of the day. We have a lot to talk about and I don't think I can apologize enough."

"We do have a lot to still talk through, but it doesn't have to be tonight. You need rest. How about you come over for breakfast in the morning and we can talk more?"

"You're not staying?"

"No." He closed his eyes in what appeared to be an internal struggle. "Plus this will give me a chance to read your letters, since they finally got to me—we have a chance, Kate. I don't want to blow it." Castle kissed her forehead and headed for the door. "Thanks for writing to me. This means more than you'll ever know." Kate knew they had so much more hurt and anger to discuss. It wasn't going to be easy, but knowing that he still loved her; it made the struggle worth it. They still had that to hold onto.

"So—tomorrow then?" She looked at him, her expression filled with hope. He placed another faint kiss on her lips and turned back to the door.

"Always."

**The End.**

**Thoughts?**


End file.
